The primary motivation behind almost all of what most people would see as my "normal" behaviour, is fear.
If I remember to greet people, if I make the effort to find a suitable greeting, start my voice, perhaps even smile and make eye contact, it's because I fear that the person might otherwise be offended. Offended "normal" people are dangerous, and are often even more unpredictable than usual. I may like greeting people I know, but the greeting still most likely isn't motivated by liking; it's motivated by fear.
If I keep myself from stimming? in public, even though it would help me keep my stress levels down in demanding environments, it's because I still fear the endless, nagging reprimands from my childhood, which taught me that stimming is bad and must be stopped. I may think of other reasons why I shouldn't stim in public, but my holding back still most likely isn't motivated by these; it's motivated by fear.
If I push myself to the limit by silently enduring horribly overloading? places or situations instead of asking for understanding and relief, it's because I still fear not being taken seriously. To be told once more, in essence, that my way of experiencing the world is wrong and should not be taken into account. People may phrase it in much nicer ways, but it still means the same thing. I may tell you that I did it out of consideration, but denying myself still most likely isn't motivated by consideration; it's motivated by fear.
If I'm having a conversation with someone on any non-technical or otherwise "unsafe" subject, making the effort of checking everything I say against my endless lists of potentially offensive interpretations and implied meanings before I speak, trying to keep the worst echolalia? out, it's because I fear offending the person with whom I'm speaking. Most people seem to take offense over practically anything, even simple disagreement. I may always try to be nice to people, but my struggle still most likely isn't motivated by niceness; it's motivated by fear.
As I'm writing this, I fear the inevitable misunderstandings that will result. I fear not being given the opportunity to set things right again. I fear the hurt feelings that even my closest friends would never consider telling me of, as I'm expected to just magically sense what they're feeling. I fear all the pointless, illogical, emotional responses from people who cannot ever stop taking truth as a personal affront.
This is my relationship to the world, and you cannot change that.
You can, however, change my relationship to you, by listening with an open mind, and by accepting my view of the world as equal to yours.
If you do this, I may one day be able to let go of my fear when I'm with you.
Why is fear such an integral part of my daily life?
Because all my life, everything I've said or done has been reinterpreted and misintepreted, and the few times when I've been able to adequately explain my views, I've been told that I couldn't possibly be thinking that way.
Because most people's ways of reasoning are still mostly opaque to me, making them unpredictable mysteries, and yet I'm still expected to automatically understand them.
Because I'm held accountable and am assumed to be willfully defiant when I fail to understand. In other words, I'm usually not allowed to present my own explanation when misunderstandings arise.
© elmindreda